ROCHESTER, NY — Oscar Caltrop has been a vegan for seven years. In that time, Mr. Caltrop has managed to become the worst. He has been an unfailing nuisance at every single restaurant in the area by demanding things like: gluten free frying oil, cruelty free soy beans, and constant validation for his “noble” decision to never eat or use anything that his parents do. “I just feel like it’s time for people to wake up and adapt their widely accepted lifestyles to my incredibly particular and inconvenient needs,” Oscar, smoking a clove cigarette and blowing it into this reporter’s face, said, “I’m a really good person. I’m better than you, frankly. These restaurants around here need to value and fear the nominal amount of money that vegans everywhere spend eating out.”


Mr. Caltrop frequently takes to the popular online review site, Yelp!, in order to affect the change he desires, and to be noticed. Some of his achievements include: driving a restaurant to bankruptcy after making them remodel their entire kitchen in order to include a vegan only section, annoying every server in town, and getting his parents to ignore his phone calls. The fact that no one pays him any attention, does nothing to discourage Oscar in the slightest. “Yeah, I’ve been kicked out the local vegans only Facebook group, Mr. Caltrop told Sauce OTS, “but being told that I’m giving vegans everywhere a bad name isn’t going to stop me from advocating for them. I’m going to do this until the day I die, or until I finish reading up on what the Paleo diet is.”

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