CHICAGO, IL — The staff of Draft Punk, a local pub and grille, has a sense of comradery that can only be described as profoundly despicable. There isn’t a day that goes by without someone having to stop a brawl between coworkers before it starts. “Everybody here is so useless, it’s absurd,” Daphne Middleton, the kitchen’s third least favorite server, said, “if I had to review the kitchen and bar staff here, I’d say they go above and beyond in being astoundingly average.” It would appear that the sentiments are shared throughout the restaurant as a whole. With no one willing to give any coworker the slightest hint of approval or respect.


That hasn’t stopped them from hanging out off the clock every single day of their lives, however. When asked if they thought it was strange in any way that they would be drinking together, the staff had a rare moment of solidarity in shouting, “screw you.” Eric Denton, a line cook who insists on demeaning every server he works with, had this to say on the matter: “If you don’t get it, clearly you’ve never seen Band of Brothers. I would happily sleep with any of these guys girlfriends. In fact, I have, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to spend time with them. They’re the only ones who have Tuesdays after 4:30 free. So I’m stuck with them. After all, your coworkers are the family foisted upon you without any choice in the matter.”

Leave a Reply